its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Randomize
