someone threw a dead crab at me
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
