3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
