Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
