You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
