i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
