he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
