Don't make out with my wife yet
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Four minutes until I can fart!
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
