I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
