i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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