I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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