Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm getting married
To pizza
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
