Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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