Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
