a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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