Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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