Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Can you bring me the toilet please
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
