u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
