I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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