Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
