i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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