he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
