So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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