I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
