I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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