Please, let me fuck your mom
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
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