he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
