I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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