I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
