drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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