I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
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