So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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