..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
