Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
she told me i tasted like america
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
