I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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