I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
