Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
