So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
