How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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