Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
he wants to bone in the snuggie
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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