every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
