Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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