well you can't waste a boner
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
The adults are the big ones right?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
