Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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