I wish my penis had an off switch
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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