I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
