Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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