Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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