Can i not drive my cunt home
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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