I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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