You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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