and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
